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This Halloween, I'm playing Candy Crush. For every three matching candies my kids bring home, I take them.

Dear Twitter Marketers: The only way people can earn money from home is if they're cooking meth.

I don't know what the big deal is about springing forward. I typically lose an hour or so on Saturday nights.

Look, if I wanted to eat something green for St. Patrick's Day, I'd just eat something out of my fridge.

In honor of all the Millennials who like to use the pet name "Bae," I've hired Jules from Pulp Fiction to give you a message...

I can't wait until I get diagnosed with some horrible disease so I can say inspirational stuff and go on tour with TEDx

I learned valuable lessons watching horror movies as a kid. For instance: Shoot that husky before he morphs into an alien