Gareth Bale. Or is it Diddy Kong? I can never tell.
Peter Crouch. Actual quote "What you be if you weren't a footballer?" "A virgin."
Carlton Palmer. Like Morph had sex with a pepperami.
Steven Fletcher. Rooney's (pre op) hairline, Beardsley's chin and a weimaraner's ears. Apparently only 24.
Jay Spearing. Reminiscent of the Curious Orange off of TMWRNJ.
Trifon ‘The Wolfman’ Ivanov. Bulgarian midfielder. Looks like the Iron Curtain fell on his face.
Joleon Lescott. Was he made from bits of leftover Robert Earnshaw?
Peter Beardsley. Looks like someone kicked the photocopier while he was being printed.
Steve Ogrizovic. Like Jaws off of Bond, but ace in goal.
Gareth Southgate, pizza selling, penalty missing fugly footballer.